Doubt and Confusion
by chickenaut
Summary: Renegon Shepard meet Tali and how their romance first seeded.


This is my third installment of another yet again of my silly story. A sequel for Vendetta Voyage, If you are a completionist then you should read that first, but if not, it's not a problem because this story intended for stand alone read. I don't own anything that Bioware have so previous rules apply. My thanks to Sarge1995 and Skeasel for betared my this story. Nevara Alyss, I hoped you don't mind that I posted this story, I still waiting your rendition. I hope you will enjoyed my story. So I give you,

* * *

**Doubt and Confusion**

For Tali, one of the good things that came from wearing a confined space mask, was that she could observe others leisurely while undetected. The mask was equipped with a dazzling array of instruments and indicators that displayed on the tinted glass. She did not need to act like an awed spectator or look the other way when a couple of tiny cameras did the work for her. She could observe the detail of every imaginable surface, watch people's everyday drama, or gauge her conversation counterpart.

It was a nifty feature that she always used in an inhospitable environment, after a culture shock that she received. She didn't know how horrible galaxy's perception of people was until she actually talked to them. Even after all the preparation, the exaggerated rumor was not exaggerated at all. It was hard to appreciate something like that when every quarian was scrutinized with every move.

It wasn't until she met a human. This particular human could always watch her face when he talked to her, not the suspicious hand that could steal something or legs that could run from any sign of law enforcement. His eyes would always stare straight into her eyes behind the heavy tinted glass, and when he talked he always closed the distance between them, just to make sure he was looking at her right. It was unbearable at first, but then a warm feeling started to engulfed her heart. It was a nice change of pace since every person she had met previously, talked to her like they were talking to a plastered wall.

But with him, Tali always forgot to use this feature, something that she never realized. Once it had crossed her mind that it was common for all humans to do that. A silly thought easily dismissed after she remembered the previous humans she had met. She thought he was a special. She could still remember when he said his name, with a strong and straight answer he said:

"My name is Shepard. I'm looking for evidence to prove Saren's a traitor."

A stoic and cold voice that betrayed his demeanor. Tali thought that it was very strange, but then again she didn't know anything about human body language. It didn't matter, since she felt secure and not alone.

Right now she was on presidium, a place that she had never visited before. For every quarian that tried to visit there, C-sec would stop them and ask some suspicious question. Quarians didn't have any reason to be there after the council revoked the quarian embassy status. Given their inaccurate reputation, what business does a quarian have on the presidium where the most expensive, as well as beautiful, goods are located? This spectacle would not be attractive for her though, when she was focused solely on her savior. Right now she felt very special, that someone needed her, whatever the reason was.

Shepard's band of strong alien men and one alien woman walked down to the aisle of the presidium. An unusual sight of a hulking krogan that could walk side by side by their mortal enemy, a turian, led by a human and followed by a quarian. It was like a circus one spectator thought, with some heavy gun as props for the amazing performance. Of course this show would involve horror and violence, a dangerous proposition to be near them if the show went on.

This small ragtag army of unusual members arrived at the human embassy. Their arrival was not welcomed. Tali should have anticipated the unwelcome reaction since she always endured it every time she came to a public space. A shout by a human ambassador that could have been heard outside the room.

"You're not making my life easy, Shepard. Firefight in the wards? An all-out assault on Chora's Den? Do you know how many…"

Then he glanced at Tali.

"What's this?" He started to realize how strange the scene on his office was.

"This Quarian can help us bring down Saren. I would've told you that if you hadn't jumped down my throat." A forceful reaction from Shepard.

Tali guessed that in human civilization the politician was the most hated person to deal with because quarian customs seemed similar. The heat of anger cooled down and the conversation continued. She explained everything regarding the proof she had acquired. This was the reason that she came here after all.

Her explanation was cut short by Shepard's question at every opportunity, which made her rethink the best possible way to continue the briefing. She didn't mind though, as she was the focus of his attention. After Tali explained the revelation, the baffled humans argued about what the next step should be. The human ambassador decided to present the case and the proof to the citadel council. Tali didn't know what she would do after this, at leastnot until the question came up,

"What about her, the quarian?" The krogan said.

The offended Tali responded: "My Name is Tali! You saw me in the alley Commander. You know what I can do. Let me come with you."

It was a response that Tali had never thought about it, just a gut feeling that she was doing the right thing.

"I thought you were on your pilgrimage?" Said a befuddled Shepard.

His was a question that she should answer with her heart, a pledge of loyalty to her people, a response that was ingrained in her soul.

"The pilgrimage proves we are willing to give of ourselves for the greater good. What does it say about me if I turn my back on this. Saren is a danger to the entire galaxy. My pilgrimage can wait."

She answered surely, but Shepard disagreed. "I think this is more than you can handle."

It was an answer that surprised Tali. This was the first time that someone had questioned her resolve. And this came from the person that she admired!

"She already survived a run in with the geth, Shepard. And we need all the help we can get. Take her with you." said the ambassador.

Another surprising answer, which came from the mouth of a politician. This was the first time that her ability to read people had failed her. She realized that she had much to learn about humans.

* * *

_Feros, a__ weeks_ _later..._

Train, train, train. The humans loved to train themselves That was Tali's first impression when she was on board on the Normandy. Plus, she got dragged along with this craze for training. She did not mind if she was the lone alien to do this, but when she saw Wrex just standing there guarding his belonging, and Garrus browsing the extranet, she started to suspect something.

Tali grew suspicious that perhaps a certain human was not fond of aliens, and trying to release her frustrations. That particular human went by the name of Chief Williams, a soldier that looked like she didn't have a word for "subtle" in her dictionary. Tali wondered if she was an easy target for Chief Williams.

Of course Chief Williams denied this with what Tali thought was convoluted reasoning; something about blood brothers or sisters united by race in some human military motto that she couldn't understand. Tali could not do anything about it since the training was approved by the captain of the Normandy, Commander Shepard.

It's not like she had spare time to ask why, since Chief Engineer Adams appreciated Tali's engineering talent and was eager to give Tali a lot of tasks. Day to day jobs made her dead tired not because of the volume, but the repetitiveness of the task. Only the Normandy's reactor offered some solace for the duration of the mission for she could drown in excitement while tinkering with it.

Tali became excited when she found out that she would join Commander Shepard on the mission on Feros. It was a chance for her to show Chief Williams how capable she was. Also, she thought she could prove her words to Shepard this time. Earlier attempts to start a casual chat by Tali, ended with the Commander's stern reminder of the importance of the mission .

"Keelah, he is far more worse than my father," complained Tali about Shepard's strict military attitude. It was ironic, as she was raised on military tradition. Tali wondered what it was that made the Commander think she was not serious. She hoped that killing a lot of geth would change Shepard's mind.

Right now, she was itching to kill some geth. The mission that she was on was not proceeding as smoothly as Tali hoped for. If Chief Williams ordering her around was unbearable, then Shepard's orders were a thousand times worse. A constant stream of colorful language that criticized Tali's every move was the only the thing that Tali heard from her commander lately.

"What the hell you are doing Tali? Take cover!" and "Keep the pace Tali, This isn't fucking parade!" were the most common phrases he barked.

She already lost count how many times he yelled, amazed by what powerful lungs he had. She was also amazed that not many geth heard his screams. Shepard probably had keen senses and was able to detect when there wasn't any geth around . However, she found herself questioning if this kind of behavior was common among humans.

The mission progress was quick but thorough. Her commander completed the tasks methodically and meticulously. He also constantly made other people scared, intimidating the civilians he dealt with. Shepard did help that civilians, but his attitude needed a lot of improvement, at least according to Tali's alien mind.

After he made the Feros colony's port safe, he ordered Lieutenant Kaidan to set a parameter around the ship and port. Shepard also ordered him to set up the patrol with the others in Normandy's crew, while the commander, Chief Williams and Tali investigated the administrative building, Exogeni's headquarters at the center of the colony.

Shepard planned to go there with an infantry fighting vehicle called M35 Mako. Tali thought that the military term of this "infantry fighting vehicle" should be changed to "infantry delivering vehicle" since Shepard always fought on foot, neglecting that shiny canon installed on top. He just rammed any geth he saw, jumping out to finish the job and then search for civilian survivors.

If there was damage to the mako, then he ordered Tali to hastily perform an unconventional repair from the inside of the mako rather than the outside. By doing that, he could still drive the mako and scan for the next target. Tali thought that Shepard was trying to steal her thunder by killing the geth first, while Tali did the menial work. The cycle went on and on. It should have been become predictable by the geth, but perhaps by sheer luck the geth didn't exploit it.

His method finally paid off when the team found Exogeni staff that had taken refuge at Skyway Weigh Station. As always, Shepard started with direct questioning and was bursting with demand toward the survivors. He just wanted everything, right now. Tali was aware that time was crucial, but his demeanor was akin to a spoiled quarian child that wanted a resource expensive toy. She should know about that, since she was once a part of volunteer labor force to take care of orphans who badly needed care because their parents went to a war. Shepard's attitude made her more annoyed minute by minute.

Tali's annoyance started to abate when the team hit Exogeni headquarters. There were a lot of geth and they also found out that there were krogan too, probably some mercs involved in Saren's plan. For Tali the negative experience of dealing with Shepard was finally lessened after she watched the geth mother ship crash down; the result of an ingenious idea from Shepard who demonstrated resourcefulness by using a faulty hydraulic door to shear the geth ship's landing claw.

There was one other thing that Shepard needed to take care of though. One room left that he needed to search for survivors. Shepard's sensor already sensed some living organic form, but he was careful about it, since it could mean anything. He peeked around a corner only to find three krogans standing around. He signaled Chief Williams and Tali to go up the stairs and to prepared a small kill zone. Tali knew what Shepard was thinking; the commander was going to be the bait.

After the first encounter with Saren's krogan, Tali learned that they tend to ram their enemy in to submission and then start to shoot. Tali and Chief Williams needed to buy some time so they could reduce the shield strength and then kill the krogan before they were overpowered. A kill zone created the space and the bait bought them time. The ambushed was prepared and Shepard lobbed a grenade into the group of krogan. The blast was strong enough to knock them down, but not powerful enough to kill the krogans. Shepard knew he just needed to buy time so the team could kill the krogan one by one.

A lone krogan stood far away from the blast had started his rush. The suicidal move was met with blaze of bullets, his death just a step away from Shepard's feet. The second krogan righted himself as his compatriot went down. This time, Shepard needed to get behind his mate, but he only could do that after the krogan already recognized Shepard as the target. When the krogan started charging, Shepard side- stepped him, letting the krogan's momentum carry him into the middle of the crossfire.

Chief Williams rushed ahead to cover the commander's back as she noticed a third krogan, but it didn't seem to be moving. Chief Williams checked the body, and said:

"He's still alive. I can see he's still breathing, and his eyes are open. I can hear him groan. We broke his backbone. I think he's paralyzed."

Tali moved closer to inspect the situation. She glanced at Commander Shepard who was already watching the krogan.

"What should we do with him?" asked Tali.

"This is a perfect opportunity to show you something," replied the commander. He took a long look at the krogan, like he needed to make a big decision.

"Chief Williams, please go fetch the data for Mister Hossle. It should be around here."

"Yes, commander." Chief Williams responded.

Confused, Tali wondered why they needed to deal with the krogan alone, just her and the commander.

"Commander?" asked Tali as Chief Williams left the premises.

"What do you think we should do, Tali?" asked Shepard as he glanced at her.

"We take him as prisoner?"

"No."

"We... kill him?" asked Tali nervously.

"We are not batarians, Tali. We humans don't play with life. We use it to the fullest." Shepard replied.

"What do you mean?"

"Is that knife of yours just for a show?"

"No... why?" asked a confused Tali.

"Because I will set a mine on his body and you will use your knife to peel off his headplate so he can scream for help."

It was a proposal that made Tali speechless; an unpleasant order for Tali, to torture a living creature. The thought of it almost made her violently sick.

"Why... Why do you need to do that? We already destroyed the geth ship! Saren's threat to the colony is already diminished, and nobody is looking for him!"

"Since when do the geth need to breathe fresh air, Tali. The krogan of course went with another ship."

"Why... why don't we just mine him?"

"Because it is not very convincing. We need to make him feel alive, so he's worth saving."

"I... Can't do that."

Tali's refusal made Shepard angry.

"What do you mean you can't do that! If this was a geth you would do it wholeheartedly!" Shepard roared.

"That's different!" Said Tali in tears.

"It's all the same Tali! You said yourself the geth are sentient beings, they do feel fear, fear of god, fear for their life… dont they?"

"I.. still can't!"

"Why?"

"Because..." Tali could not continue.

"Because this isn't like the geth; because there isn't any on or off switch on him! Is that it? This time you can actually watch the long process of misery! You are too nice! You don't want to impose your own pain or your people's pain to others! You are worthless!"

Tali's tears stopped falling as she grew angry, feeling the need, to defend herself

"You don't mock me Shepard! What do you know about me and my people's suffering!"

"I don't know a damn thing! So don't try using that line on me!" he roared back.

Chief Williams was able to witness this turn of events as she entered the room, her task already completed. She wondered if she needed to interfere.

"Sir... Commander..."

"Wait your turn Chief!" Shepard shouted angrily, his eyes still on Tali.

"This is how we humans conduct a war! Do you think you can handle it? You just have no place in it!"

"If you think this will help my people, then I will do it!" Tali said with the last vestiges of strength left in her.

She glanced at the krogan wrong move for her. She was able to see his scared eye, begging for mercy, his lips trembling. He wanted to end this quickly. A once tall, lumbering, and strong giant warrior had been reduced to a miserable poor creature. Tali's legs started to weaken but before she could do anything, Shepard spoke.

"Then you just degraded yourself, Tali, without knowing why. Either way you are not needed for that. I expected you to realize it. I think you should go back to your pilgrimage. Nobody will tell you that you are selfish."

"What... do... you mean? I don't know." Tali stammered as she started to cry again.

"We know that an animal is a sentient being, but geth are more than animals. The geth understand emotion. They know why we fear as we do. They are also sapient. A creature that bases their action on one emotion, any emotion be it fear or... anger, and neglects other emotions or logical repercussions - those are the acts of a cold blooded murderer; an unemotional and remorseless one. Do you want to end up like the geth?"

This was the first time Tali witnessed Shepard's sad voice and face. Shepard turned and shot the krogan twice in the head.

"I've had enough of this. Chief make sure he is dead and take a five minute break." It was the last order before Shepard walked away.

Tali's legs couldn't hold out any longer. As Chief Williams approached her, she fell to the floor, and vented her emotion. Chief Williams stood there and offered her hand.

"You are very brave Tali, I applaud you for this. I dont know about the quarians, but humans usually don't torture their prisoners. But with Commander Shepard, I think anything can happen."

This was the first time that Tali heard Chief Williams call her by her name.

"You approved?" asked Tali.

"Look, we already have enough enemies here - geth, krogan, wild varren, and who knows what else. We don't need our captain added to the list." Chief Williams replied.

Now Tali knew what Chief Williams meant regarding her previous statement about System Alliance marine motto: that whatever the race, they were united by the same pain and sorrow.

"Thank ... you..." Tali said as she reached for Chief William's hand.

"If you still want to be in the team, then this doesn't mean that you can slack off on my training, Quarian, because I could end up like you, getting my ass kicked by the commander."

Tali laughed, relieved.

* * *

_Normandy, eleven light years from __F__eros_.

The mission on Feros was succesful, but Tali was still stumped. This was the first time that she had mixed feelings. Never before had she felt she was a stranger in the middle of human interaction. If she chose to act on her anger toward Shepard, then she should leave the Normandy at her earliest convenience. However, if she followed her joy from helping the survivors on Feros then she should stick with Shepard because of the good that would follow.

If she followed Shepard out of curiosity, just to know who humans are, then she would need to be around them more. If she followed her fear of hopelessness about her potential destiny on the ship, then she should need to think about her future. Such were her conflicting emotions, compete for her attention. Previously, she had thought that nothing compared to the emotional complexity of quarian relationships. Emotional family connections always came into play for every decision that a quarian made, make it more complex to other races. But compared to Humans, however, was less baffling.

For now, her curiosity took over. She wondered why the commander ordered her not to shoot people's at Zhu's Hope and help them while they were under the control of a giant plant. Why did he do that when he had adamantly told to a Exogeni representative that asked for his help to subdue them peacefully that he would shot them at sight? Tali questioned his sudden change of heart. Hesitation was not part of Shepard's character. Shepard was a person that was quick to judge; a sentiment that she shared with Chief Williams.

Right now she needed to know how humans thought. Tali convinced herself that if she was going to understand humans then she should know their feelings first. At present, the biggest hurdle was to understand her captain who was the largest enigma in Tali's opinion. Earlier attempts to converse with him failed, so she abandoned that idea. Talking to the crew had not yielded any results. To them, their commander was a mysterious figure. What they knew was that he was a professional and quick to temper. It seemed odd since they placed their trust and their lives into the hands of a total stranger. He was known for his reputation and that's what Tali decided to research.

Tali was in the perfect spot to hide on the Normandy, part of a maintenance shaft where foot traffic was nonexistent. She had recognized the potential for solitude because that place never needed any maintenance, or part replacement, and it was a dead end. It happened to be near the maintenance hatch only in use when the Normandy was docked, accessible from the outside. It had a little window and Tali was able see outside, odd considering this was a military ship. She guessed that human ship designers had a little spot of romance inside them when they built this ship.

She fired up her omnitool, connecting to Normandy's network and started her pre-programmed VI to do a search. The first hit she found was a manifest on a Mindoir survivor after Batarian slaver attack, information that she knew already from her conversation with Chief Williams. Tali guessed that previous records about Shepard would have been destroyed on Mindoir, which her VI confirmed.

Then the omnitool displayed the manifest of new System Alliance military recruit an obvious one. It seemed even her VI was having difficulty digging up information about Shepard. She scanned the information on the famous Torfan incident. Chief Williams had mentioned this once, but never in detail. Tali refined her search, the results displaying how horrible Commander Shepard was, and then she read the headlines.

"Massacre at Torfan, 79 Batarians killed while held prisoner and still counting."

"A human civilian death at Batarian slaver base. Suspected foul play by System Alliance navy commander in massacre at Torfan."

"The anonymous commander involved in Torfan massacre identified as Commander _(censure)_ Shepard of the System's Alliance marine corps."

"Exclusive interview with Commander Shepard"

Tali examined Shepard's answer.

"What my men in my unit did on Torfan was on my direct order. The human civilian and Batarian deaths at Torfan were my offenses. I failed my duty and prepared to face the consequences of my actions because of that."

Another headline: "Commander Shepard under the custody of System Alliance MP"

Then Tali watched some political commentary.

"There is no way that Commander Shepard would be incarcerated. We have a tendency to rewrite our history. After all, we are the victor here," a political commentator said.

"I disagree," another replied. "This incident was tragic and I think we need to use this to generate change in the System Alliance military."

Tali glanced at another list of news headlines

"Commander Shepard a survivor from Mindoir raid."

"Commander Shepard's combat record found!"

"Commander Shepard's records were impressive, but tainted by a high casualty rate and higher numbers of complaint about prisoner treatment. "

Tali watched another vid.

"I can't believe that we entrusted our son and daughter to a man with a personal vendetta! How many human lives must be lost before we end these atrocities!" A politician questioned.

Tali glanced again at the headline news.

"Butcher of Torfan free!"

Tali skimmed through more headlines.

"System Alliance military investigation yields no evidence of any wrong doing by Commander Shepard; he will be exonerated and sent for psychiatric evaluation."

The headlines news became more erratic.

"System Alliance military being sued by the family of the human civilian casualty during Torfan massacre."

"System Alliance military investigator, searching for evidence of intelligence leak on Torfan."

"System Alliance military investigator suspects high probability that human civilian casualty on Torfan base was possible Batarian double agent."

Then the news headline ended with: "System Alliance military closed investigation into Torfan massacre citing no hard evidence."

and

"The first and only human civilian casualty of siege on Torfan to be honored by congressional office as a hero of alien rights."

Tali realized now that Shepard was a man that was full of pain. Whatever happened on Torfan had left a deep scar within. He burned with anger and a passion for revenge. Then something happened to him that made him miserably remorseful. She felt the sadness of her captain. She glanced at the last headline in the search. It was a security vid about a civilian cemetery and labeled as the arrest of Commander Shepard.

Tali played it. The scene opened with a man standing in front of a tomb and immediately recognized the commander. She was able to read the inscription on the gravestone, the name of the lone human civilian casualty. Shepard just stood there, staring at it. There was a commotion and two MPs approached him, performing the familiar standard procedure. He was cited his rights as the MP's prepared the shackles, but the commander ignored them, his attention still on the grave. As the MP's dragged him away, Tali was able to see the expression on his face.

Then a memory hit her; she had seen the same expression on Shepard's face on Feros. Tali felt that she now understood what Shepard was talking about. This was a man that fell from grace when he allowed his passions to take over. He had watched those near him die and chose to ignore it because he believed it was needed in order to prevent the loss of lives on Mindoir from ever happening again. But on Torfan his cause had fallen to pieces. Because of Shepard's actions, a human civilian died, someone that had been dear to him. Now he struggled in an inescapable deep abyss of guilt.

Now he wanted to prevent it from happening to Tali.

Tali's tears started to fall. She knew that Shepard wanted to preserve Tali's innocence for her to know it was alright to be selfish when her emotions were at stake. But, he knew Tali well enough to know that she would not do it. He was frustrated because he couldn't make it happen and she didn't realized until that moment how much Shepard really must care about her. He was trying to help, just like he was trying to help anybody else. It was a way that he could atone. He didn't care if everyone despised him, for all he cared about was their safety. He rejected any attachment to someone because of a bad experience in the past. Anger toward anyone he did help was a facade he had built so only he could feel the pain. It was a sacrifice he was willing to make, a sacrifice he maintained so nobody else had to.

Tali couldn't think anymore for she didn't know what to do. He was a man with a desperate need for salvation that she could not help. She would try, however, but felt helpless as she recognized that this was part of her destiny. Tali's cry rang through the starry night, her affection for him undiminished as she shared his misery. She shed a lone tear of happiness for Tali finally understood why she had fallen in love with him at first sight.


End file.
